Our Love Story ... Part 2 , The Stalking !

Too much heart ache ....


every quiet moment my mind drifts .... I spend hours day dreaming ... thinking about the boy .....
tall
lanky
proper school uniform, but pants hanging below his butt
la ice cola in hand
peak hat on.... oh god no hair ... shaved !!... still makes me giggle
Workman's hands,
skate shoes
cheeky smile, crooked teeth .... he has a large eye teeth same as mine
eyes ..... the most amazing crystal clean blue green ,
 
I shake it off .... I don't want to like him like that .... I don't want to like any boy like that ... its pointless and painful.... becasue no guy will ever like me back
 
so I try  put him out of my mind ......
2 weeks later much to my own disappointment I am still thinking about him .... every silent moment I find my thought drifting back to blue eyes and a cheeky smile ..... every class change, recess, lunch ....I am looking for him , to catch a glimpse of him, his cap and baggy pants heading to wood work or metal shop..... oh no
he starts hanging out with our group some days , his friends and our friends all sit together , I spend the whole time totally silent and beetroot red
oh no ... I finally admit it to myself ...
I have a crush on him .... a stupid, silly, inconvenient , high school crush
I don't want to like him .... I don't want to feel like this ....but I do !

****
picture taken from my actual Year 9 diary



fast forward .....


What follows this realisation of mine was 3 years of pain .... unrequited love


it not that its too painful to write about , its that over the next three years there is too much to write about,
too many times he walked the other way,
too many times I couldnt even talk to him when I had the chance ,
too many times my heart was crushed .....

****


watching him obviously ignore and avoid me ... after beck told him I liked him

watching him date other girls, hold their hands, kiss them .... I wanted those kisses

watching him ... just watching him hurt

so many times my hopes were raised .. I thought maybe this time he'll notice me
 ....and so many times my heart was crushed !

it was humiliating, being so obviously into someone and they couldn't get away from me fast enough

the pain was so great that I even came up with a fake "crush " to appease my friends ever probing commentary ..
it was easier to pretend to like someone else completely out of my reach....
than to deal with the pitying looks from all of my friends whenever "gatesy walked past "

it was  easier to be around him when  he thought I like someone else ,
we could talk , I could sit across from him and pretend I'm blushing because of someone else walking by,
and not because he just touched my leg under the table

without meaning to I silently memorise his entire time table, 

I can tell at 10.00.... as I sit in science upstairs.... he is in wood shop over the other side of the school... I count down the minutes until recess where I might catch a glimps of him as he heads out to the oval .

every day for nearly three years I jump out of bed in the morning... thinking today will be the day .... and every day I come home broken hearted and defeated .... ready to give up

the aching longing to be the girl in his arms never subsides ... and for two years I battle on in painful silence .. in love with a boy who will never even look at me like that ....

in love with a boy who calls me a Sasquatch to his friends

in love with a boy .. who I Will one day call my husband ... if only I knew then what I know now !



*****

Part 3 .... moving on ?

comming soon

XXX Free range Mumma XXX

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