The truth about why im not pregnant with baby number 2 ....

I want another baby....... I desperately want another baby.... as in I already have a wish list of things for the baby.... the names are picked..... nursery decor decided etc ( no i am not pregnant... mum )
but at the same point I'm terrified
terrified because... this is out last baby !
a long time ago we decided that we only wanted 2 kids , then Erik came so quickly and now Ive only got one chance left to be pregnant,
 to feel little kicks inside my belly, to breast feed, to give birth ( the proudest thing Ive ever done) and that new born baby smell....I only get to experience it one more time !
so I want to enjoy every moment... I know its probably only wishful thinking,
 but I want the anticipation of "trying" for a baby.... I want to go shopping for the baby ( with Erik every things was given to us or second hand ), I want to announce it to people in a fantastic way, I want to enjoy feeling my baby do somersaults in my belly, enjoy every moment of my pregnancy and my belly !
with Erik I was working 50 hours some weeks, standing all day in a stressful busy environment... at the end of the day I was exhausted  ! , I would come home eat and sleep, theres was alot of friend drama in out lives and I was so stressed with our renovations and work,
 there was no time to appreciate the miracle growing in my belly .... I was just surviving !
I want this time around to be different, I don't want to rush it , I want to do it my way and embrace my bump !
and that's why I'm waiting .... because I'm not ready just yet ,
I'm not ready for morning sickness, reflux, pains, swollen feet, peeing every 3 minutes, no sleep, milk coming in, rock hard breasts ( actually.... truthfully , I cant wait for my gigantic pregnancy boobs, I love them  ) bleeding nipples, acne, migraines, and becoming a giant sweaty whale :(
because I get huge ... ridiculously huge and uncomfortable 
and there are things we want to do as a family before we are back to carrying a newborn everywhere... and their million accessories hehe
I'm not ready for the pain... the "I think I'm going to die"... pain
and then once I squeeze the baby out, destroying my vagina in the process ... again !
sleepless nights, burping, prams, diaper bags, breastfeeding in public, spit ups, sore nipples, rock hard full boobs, expressing, leaking, tears.... in general it would be a good few months before I could chase Erik around like I can now ... and then a good few more months before I can even reclaim my own body and work on getting back into shape .... just thinking about it is exhausting !
but then I stand in the mirror and poke out my belly
 ( no I'm not crazy , I know you have all done this at one point too ) ....
and I'm overwhelmed with love for a little baby that isn't created yet, a little baby that will flutter and kick in my tummy, that will snuggle into my breast at 3;30 in the morning for a feed content and happy,
a baby that will have the best big brother and Daddy in the world 
 I caress my protuding tummy and I know that whilst I'm not ready right now I will be soon :)
and so I answer all the " when are you having another one? " questions with a little smile and I say " we have our plan "
because we do have a plan, and I'm sticking to it, no matter how many adorable baby beanies and pregnant bellys make me want to change my mind !
I cant wait to share this journey with you all
xxx Free Range Mumma xxx


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